August 24, 2011

Fiona Apple - When the Pawn... (Work Records, 1999)

Fiona Apple - When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right


How fucking dumb would you need to be to write such a long, mawkish, shallow album title? If you seek the world record for length, why not put some thought into the effort, instead of getting high on hash oil — hookah on bed — and writing down any frothy tween-angst horseshit that wanders into your empty skull?

Frankly, honey, we'd rather hear nineteen elephants shit together, in unison, than listen to thy weak, wheezy poetry.

Heh heh heh.

Oh, wow.

When the Pawn

  1. "The world record for length": From 2001 to 2007, the Guinness Book of Records listed When the Pawn... as the world's longest album title. 
  2. The word on the street is, Ms. Apple composed this title after reading some unflattering remarks about her work in Spin. God willing, this dour anagram will be equally inspirational, and thus redeem itself. Either way, this seems like a good time to remind readers of our Disclaimer.


Bundle J. Claw said...

Excellent diagnosis Doctor. Heinously noxious garbage indeed!

Dr Hesselius said...

Thanks! We try.